Here Comes 2009

This is the time of year people make all sorts of predictions about the coming year fully understanding no one will remember them a week later. Here’s one you can take to the TARP, 2009 will be better than 2008. I’m counting on you to remember my brilliant predictions and forget the bad ones. Let’s start with politics.
-Bill Clinton will blame a muscle spasm for “accidentally” tripping Barack Obama as the new President descended the inaugural platform.
-Sen. John McCain will tell reporters after Obama is sworn in he thought “he and Sen. Mondale had waged a campaign Americans could be proud of.”
-Governor Sarah Palin will order the Alaska National Guard into Canada to burnish her national security credentials. Palin will claim her prospective son-in-law fled to Canada to avoid marrying her daughter.
-Gov. David Paterson will float Paris Hilton for U.S. senator saying “if the people want an heir head, why not give them the real thing, plus I think she actually votes once in a while.”
-Meanwhile a peeved Caroline Kennedy will withdraw from consideration and move to London where she will buy Madonna’s house and demand a seat in the House of Lords.
- Hillary Clinton will request Congress designate the Secretary of State second in line of presidential succession, ahead of the Vice-President, claiming she won Michigan and Florida.
-In economic news, the price of gas will hit $1 a gallon, generating a massive demand for gas guzzling SUV’s and Hummers, saving the Big Three auto companies from bankruptcy and any thought of long term corporate planning.
-Donald Trump will go belly up again blaming the “force majeur” of the economy for his problems. Apparently building luxury hotels and apartments with no money in a cratering economy wasn’t a factor.
-Disgraced money man Bernie Madoff will announce the formation of a financial fantasy league. Bernie’s team will be called the Palm Beach Paupers. He will make some of his current clients available on the instructional video also known as a deposition.
-The new ballparks of the Yankees and Mets will open this spring amidst much hoopla. Unfortunately there won’t be any fans given half the season ticket holders went broke one way or another in ’08 and the rest of us aren’t going to pay $300 to watch a meaningless baseball game in April. Save your money for Red Sox World Series tickets.
-Jay Leno will officially retire the Law & Order franchise by taking over the 10PM weeknight slot at NBC and Conan O’Brien will bomb at 11:30 because he’s not funny.
-Oprah’s weight will balloon to a frightening 400 lbs. and she win the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, dethroning that annoying Japanese guy. The situation will eventually require a televised intervention by Richard Simmons and the Olsen twins.
-Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will ease back into the spotlight as host of a new game show called “Career or No Career.” Married men will have to sell their ridiculous excuses to a panel of bitter Hillary Clinton supporters.
-Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie will move to a deserted island and leave us all alone. Hopefully they’ll discover Ellen DeGeneres, P. Diddy, Bill Maher, Bill O’Reilly, Kelly Ripa, Sean Hannity and Whoppi Goldberg are already there. Happy New Year everyone.

Princess of Camelot Deigns to Serve

What is it about New York that inspires people who’ve never run for anything to think a good jumping off point for their political career is a U.S. Senate seat? Normally by the time a person is a viable candidate for senate, they have served in various other elected capacities and are seen as having risen through the ranks of their respective party. Well, that tradition appears downright quaint here in the Empire State.
The new political black appears to be celebrity status leavened with a large pinch of cash. We’ve seen this phenomenon evidence itself in the successful candidacies of billionaire Michael Bloomberg, Hillary Clinton as well as runs by upstate billionaire Tom Gollisano for governor and cosmetics heir Ron Lauder for NYC Mayor. Across the river New Jersey voters elected former Goldman Sachs chairman Jon Corzine governor. What ever happened to waiting your turn?
Last week came word that Caroline Kennedy has informed Gov. David Paterson she wants to be appointed to the Senate seat being vacated by Hillary Clinton. Well who wouldn’t want to be made a U.S. senator without lifting a finger? The scary thing is a lot of people think it’s a great idea. After all New Yorkers gave Hillary Clinton a senate seat as some kind of bizarre get well card for enduring the humiliations visited upon her by her philandering husband. So why not pass out another senate job to the daughter of another philandering president? And let’s not forget it was Caroline’s carpetbagger Uncle Bobby who first chose a New York senate seat as his ticket to the White House forty years ago. Aren’t these people from Massachusetts?
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve met Caroline on more than a few occasions and she is a lovely, well educated woman. So is my wife, also named Caroline, but she’s in no danger of having David Paterson show up at the front door with a plane ticket to Washington. The only reason Caroline Kennedy is being considered for Senator is her name and presumed fund raising ability. But she has absolutely no hands on political experience and has never had a real job. I doubt she owns an alarm clock.
So the ascension of these celebrity candidates can only mean two things. There are no real qualifications necessary to be a senator, therefore anyone can do it. There’s some truth in that when you think about some of the bozos who’ve taken up a desk in the Senate chamber. Or we live in a celebrity obsessed culture where fame confers credibility and voters have no problem playing the electoral equivalent of “American Idol’ in choosing their leaders.
With Caroline Kennedy there’s also the legacy factor. Would anyone disagree her name would never have surfaced if her name was Caroline Schlossberg? Actuallyj it is
but you get the point. As Eddie McCormack, the sitting attorney general of Massachusetts famously said to 30 year-old Ted Kennedy in a 1962 Senate debate “If your name was Edward Moore rather than Edward Moore Kennedy, your candidacy would be a joke.” It was but Kennedy buried McCormack in the election.
Does this mean Caroline couldn’t be an effective New York senator? No because she will have a top notch staff at her disposal telling her what and who she needs to know as well as the counsel of her family members. But giving people with famous names positions of great responsibility can backfire. Think George W. Bush.

My New Career

This whole Bernie Madoff thing and the fact I know the guy who was procuring clients for Bernie has given me an idea. You see in my youth I lived in Palm Beach and know the drill. So I have decided to return to the land of my youth and become a financial grief counselor. I just have to be sure they have the money to pay my fee before I listen to their kevetching!

The Entitled Caroline Kennedy

Look, I'm old enough to remember Caroline Kennedy riding her pony Macaroni on the White House lawn. She was an adorable kid and a big part of the whole Camelot thing. Since then Caroline has lived a very private, privleged life. Unlike many of her cousins, Caroline has avoided making herself fodder for the tabloids. So it comes as something of a surprise she has suddenly decided she wants to be appointed Senator from New York. My first question is what makes her think she's qualified? You're not. Unfortunately Hillary Clinton set the bar pretty low when she convinced New York voters being married to a philandering president was sufficient qualification for the job. Caroline apparently feels being the daughter of another philandering president is also qualification enough. The sad part is too many idiot voters think an election is an episode of American Idol. It will be interesting to see if Gov. David Paterson has the guts to tell Caroline to stay with the charity balls and Fifth Avenue cocktail parties. He should.

Scandal Scarred Holiday Season

2008 appears to be ending with more audacity than hope. From Illinois came word Gov. Rod Blagojevich was attempting to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama to the highest bidder. Apparently the feds have the governor on tape making it clear no good government types need apply…strictly cash and carry. One of the many unintended consequences has been to shine an uncomfortable light on President-elect Obama as he prepares for his coronation on January 20th.
It would appear Obama was not born in a manger but rather the product of the often seamy world of Chicago politics. The fact that Obama’s initial claim that no one from his team was talking to the foul mouthed Governor about a Senate successor now appears in doubt. Former Bill Clinton apologist and current Obama chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, is evidently heard on tape talking to Blagojevich about potential successors and has suddenly developed an aversion to speaking to the press. It sure didn’t take a Clintonista long to gin up some controversy, did it?
None of this in any way diminishes Obama’s integrity but he spent the campaign extolling the virtues of transparency and accountability. He can’t put on the blinders a month before inauguration. My guess is Emmanuel coughs up a story about “miscommunication” at three in the morning Christmas Eve.
Then we have my favorite scandal of this or maybe any year, the Bernie Madoff story. It appears Mr. Madoff vaporized $50 billion in a ponzi scheme rooted in his ability to persuade the super rich he could beat the stock market year after year. Well he did, sort of. You see old Bernie reported or paid his investors handsome returns every year by paying them out with new investor’s money. That usually works well until something occurs causing a substantial number of clients to cash in their chips at the same time. In this case it was the colossal collapse of the financial markets that exposed Mr. Madoff. There simply wasn’t enough money coming in to pay those heading for the door.
In the small world department, it turns out an old friend of mine, Bob Jaffe, is in the thick of this story. Bob and I were friends and worked together at E.F. Hutton in the 70’s and he forever endeared himself to me by arranging to have me play golf with my boyhood hero, Willie Mays. Bob married a lovely girl, Ellen Shapiro, whose parents were apparently much wealthier than I knew at the time.
In the intervening years, Bob became more involved with his in-laws and their philanthropic causes and through the elder Shapiro’s came to know Bernie Madoff. According to published reports the Shapiro’s and their charitable trust lost over $500 million with Madoff. What makes this worse is it appears my old buddy Bob was very instrumental in recruiting clients for Mr. Madoff and was well compensated for it.
Knowing Bob, I’m sure he thought he was doing the right thing and getting paid for it. Madoff convinced people he had the secret sauce and becoming one of his investors was a social and financial windfall. Madoff delivered steady if unspectacular returns and seemed impervious to market downturns. But as my friend Bob is finding out, when something or someone looks too good to be true, they usually are.
So, we head into the holiday season chastened by political and financial scandal. Let’s hope the New Year puts an end to them both for a while. Merry Christmas everyone.

When's The Parade For Oil Co. Executives?

It was only last summer when the likes of Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer were railing against the evil oil companies and the men who run them. There were calls for windfall profits tax and charges of collusion to drive prices higher. Oil was at $149 and gas was over $4 at the pump. Hysterical politicians were talking about $200 oil and $6 gas. According to democrats, it was a clear case of Big Oil sticking it to the American consumer. Of course, it was all nonsense and in reality purely a function of supply and demand. It was and oil has since dropped to $41 with gas under $2. So here's my question. If the evil oil company executives do control and manipulate the price of oil, how come it's dropping like a stone? Could it be a world wide recession has dramatically reduced the demand for oil and speculators have been run out of the oil market? Once again, democrats prove to be political demagogues with no concept how the world really works. Glad they're in charge for the next four years.

Help Wanted...U.S. Senator

You don’t need me to tell you it’s tough out there these days. Banks are failing and the government’s bailing. The Big Three automakers are on Capitol Hill groveling before preening politicians, looking for billions in taxpayer loans. Unemployment is soaring and likely to get worse. But there is one high paying job opening up here in New York that might be of interest to you. By virtue of Barack Obama nominating Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, the Senate seat she currently occupies will be available shortly.
The job pays $169,300 with great perks, including a pension and health benefits. There’s lots of time off and the Senate usually only meets Tuesday through Thursday when it’s in session. Did I mention all the boondoggle junkets on military aircraft and paid speaking engagements in sunny climes during the winter? Are we dusting off the resume yet?
It’s true the vacancy will be filled by Gov. David Paterson prior to a special election down the road. My suggestion would be to e-mail your resume directly to the Governor along with a solid cover letter telling him what a fabulous Senator you would be. I know some of you are thinking you’re not qualified because you’ve never held public office and don’t really know much about New York. Not to worry Ducky, neither did Hillary and she got elected twice and then ran for President. Think big.
But what if you don’t even live here? Again, not a problem mon cheri. Rent something. Charlie Rangel could probably hook you up with an illegal rent control pad. Or you could work something out with Hillary. She and Bill won’t be needing the manse in Chappaqua now that she’s used the Senate seat to get what she wanted. She might even toss in her Yankee cap if you contribute to Bill’s charity.
But let’s get back to the resume. The only legal qualifications are you must be at least 30 years of age and a resident of New York. And unlike the real world, age is not a factor. Strom Thurmond was a senator from S. Carolina until he was 100 and Ted Kennedy was 30 when elected. Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia is 90 and given to uncontrollable emotional outbursts on the Senate floor so don’t discourage Grandpa from sending in the resume.
Is there anything in your past that would red flag your resume? Not really. The aforementioned Sen. Byrd was a KKK member prior to holding public office. President Harry Truman went bankrupt as a haberdasher prior to winning a Senate seat. If Joe the Plumber can become a national figure in thirty seconds, you can be a United States Senator.
Don’t be afraid to take a page or two out of the Hillary playbook. Completely exaggerate your credentials and refuse to take questions from the press. If you get busted telling a whopper, blame the right wing media. Be sure to reference your long standing interest in dairy farming. It plays great upstate. Maybe a 4-H membership nobody can find.
But here’s the key to your candidacy. Before you contact the Governor, get a hold of Sen. Chuck Schumer. This poor guy has been living in the nightmarish shadow of Hillary Clinton for 7 long years. What he needs to hear from you is you’ll speak when spoken to and never, ever come between him and a TV camera. Keep telling him he’s the senior Senator from New York. If you can sell that to him, he’ll probably walk your resume into the Governor’s office personally. Good luck everyone.

If Rangel was a Republican

Unless you’ve been zonked out in a beach chair on the Dominican Republic next to New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, you’ve probably heard yet another instance of financial chicanery has surfaced against the democratic Chairman of the House Ways & Means Committee. The latest was the revelation Rangel took a “homestead” tax deduction intended for year round D.C. residents even though Mr. Rangel’s legal address is New York. In fact, old Charlie has no less than four illegal rent controlled apartments he calls home in Harlem. He has been using one of them as a campaign office which is also illegal. Charlie likes giving himself off the books tax cuts.
Before that was not paying taxes on property he owns in the Dominican and improperly storing a car in the garage of the House of Representatives. But hold on, I’m not through yet. As illegal and arrogant as these transgressions are, it appears Mr. Rangel may have an even more damaging skeleton rattling around in his well appointed closet by the name of Eugene Isenberg. It seems Mr. Isenberg made a pledge of $1 million to a boondoggle to be called the Rangel School of Public Service at City College of New York. I can only assume corruption and tax evasion will be electives. On the very same day as Rangel snapped up the $1 million, Rangel saw to it a controversial tax loophole that saved Isenberg’s company millions was preserved. Can you say quid pro quo?
You would think this growing laundry list of financial and ethical lapses would probably force the average schnook to turn in his or her paper hat at McDonalds, never mind the chairmanship of the congressional committee that writes the tax laws of the country. You would think wrong. In spite of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s much ballyhooed boast about the Democrats intention to preside over the most ethical session of Congress after assuming the majority from those corrupt republicans, she and other democrat leaders continue to turn a blind eye to Rangel’s repeated flouting of the law.
Now either Speaker Pelosi’s judgment has been compromised by one too many botox injections or corruption has become a partisan issue. Because if Charlie Rangel was a republican, he’d have been relieved of his chairmanship if not his congressional seat by now. So far, the closest Pelosi & Co. have come to disciplining Rangel is turning over some of this to the House Ethics panel, whatever that means. I suspect it means passing the buck. There’s a reason polls show Pelosi and this Congress even more unpopular than George Bush.
Hopefully President Obama and his team talk some sense into Pelosi and the House democrats. Given tax reform and tax cuts will be taking center stage in the new administration’s agenda; this is not the time to have those deliberations sidetracked by allegations of financial misconduct on the part of the chairman of the Way and Means Committee. Given Rangel and some of his supporters have already hinted he is being targeted because of his race, it would send an important message if the new President showed he was playing no favorites when it comes to corruption.
Charlie Rangel continues to claim ignorance of the law or blame others, including his wife for his mistakes. Even if you believed his nonsense, do you really want a guy that naïve or stupid writing the tax laws? Somebody should buy this career hack a one way ticket to his Caribbean hideaway and give Obama the clean slate he’s going to need.