Help Wanted...U.S. Senator

You don’t need me to tell you it’s tough out there these days. Banks are failing and the government’s bailing. The Big Three automakers are on Capitol Hill groveling before preening politicians, looking for billions in taxpayer loans. Unemployment is soaring and likely to get worse. But there is one high paying job opening up here in New York that might be of interest to you. By virtue of Barack Obama nominating Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, the Senate seat she currently occupies will be available shortly.
The job pays $169,300 with great perks, including a pension and health benefits. There’s lots of time off and the Senate usually only meets Tuesday through Thursday when it’s in session. Did I mention all the boondoggle junkets on military aircraft and paid speaking engagements in sunny climes during the winter? Are we dusting off the resume yet?
It’s true the vacancy will be filled by Gov. David Paterson prior to a special election down the road. My suggestion would be to e-mail your resume directly to the Governor along with a solid cover letter telling him what a fabulous Senator you would be. I know some of you are thinking you’re not qualified because you’ve never held public office and don’t really know much about New York. Not to worry Ducky, neither did Hillary and she got elected twice and then ran for President. Think big.
But what if you don’t even live here? Again, not a problem mon cheri. Rent something. Charlie Rangel could probably hook you up with an illegal rent control pad. Or you could work something out with Hillary. She and Bill won’t be needing the manse in Chappaqua now that she’s used the Senate seat to get what she wanted. She might even toss in her Yankee cap if you contribute to Bill’s charity.
But let’s get back to the resume. The only legal qualifications are you must be at least 30 years of age and a resident of New York. And unlike the real world, age is not a factor. Strom Thurmond was a senator from S. Carolina until he was 100 and Ted Kennedy was 30 when elected. Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia is 90 and given to uncontrollable emotional outbursts on the Senate floor so don’t discourage Grandpa from sending in the resume.
Is there anything in your past that would red flag your resume? Not really. The aforementioned Sen. Byrd was a KKK member prior to holding public office. President Harry Truman went bankrupt as a haberdasher prior to winning a Senate seat. If Joe the Plumber can become a national figure in thirty seconds, you can be a United States Senator.
Don’t be afraid to take a page or two out of the Hillary playbook. Completely exaggerate your credentials and refuse to take questions from the press. If you get busted telling a whopper, blame the right wing media. Be sure to reference your long standing interest in dairy farming. It plays great upstate. Maybe a 4-H membership nobody can find.
But here’s the key to your candidacy. Before you contact the Governor, get a hold of Sen. Chuck Schumer. This poor guy has been living in the nightmarish shadow of Hillary Clinton for 7 long years. What he needs to hear from you is you’ll speak when spoken to and never, ever come between him and a TV camera. Keep telling him he’s the senior Senator from New York. If you can sell that to him, he’ll probably walk your resume into the Governor’s office personally. Good luck everyone.