This is the time of year people make all sorts of predictions about the coming year fully understanding no one will remember them a week later. Here’s one you can take to the TARP, 2009 will be better than 2008. I’m counting on you to remember my brilliant predictions and forget the bad ones. Let’s start with politics.
-Bill Clinton will blame a muscle spasm for “accidentally” tripping Barack Obama as the new President descended the inaugural platform.
-Sen. John McCain will tell reporters after Obama is sworn in he thought “he and Sen. Mondale had waged a campaign Americans could be proud of.”
-Governor Sarah Palin will order the Alaska National Guard into Canada to burnish her national security credentials. Palin will claim her prospective son-in-law fled to Canada to avoid marrying her daughter.
-Gov. David Paterson will float Paris Hilton for U.S. senator saying “if the people want an heir head, why not give them the real thing, plus I think she actually votes once in a while.”
-Meanwhile a peeved Caroline Kennedy will withdraw from consideration and move to London where she will buy Madonna’s house and demand a seat in the House of Lords.
- Hillary Clinton will request Congress designate the Secretary of State second in line of presidential succession, ahead of the Vice-President, claiming she won Michigan and Florida.
-In economic news, the price of gas will hit $1 a gallon, generating a massive demand for gas guzzling SUV’s and Hummers, saving the Big Three auto companies from bankruptcy and any thought of long term corporate planning.
-Donald Trump will go belly up again blaming the “force majeur” of the economy for his problems. Apparently building luxury hotels and apartments with no money in a cratering economy wasn’t a factor.
-Disgraced money man Bernie Madoff will announce the formation of a financial fantasy league. Bernie’s team will be called the Palm Beach Paupers. He will make some of his current clients available on the instructional video also known as a deposition.
-The new ballparks of the Yankees and Mets will open this spring amidst much hoopla. Unfortunately there won’t be any fans given half the season ticket holders went broke one way or another in ’08 and the rest of us aren’t going to pay $300 to watch a meaningless baseball game in April. Save your money for Red Sox World Series tickets.
-Jay Leno will officially retire the Law & Order franchise by taking over the 10PM weeknight slot at NBC and Conan O’Brien will bomb at 11:30 because he’s not funny.
-Oprah’s weight will balloon to a frightening 400 lbs. and she win the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, dethroning that annoying Japanese guy. The situation will eventually require a televised intervention by Richard Simmons and the Olsen twins.
-Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will ease back into the spotlight as host of a new game show called “Career or No Career.” Married men will have to sell their ridiculous excuses to a panel of bitter Hillary Clinton supporters.
-Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie will move to a deserted island and leave us all alone. Hopefully they’ll discover Ellen DeGeneres, P. Diddy, Bill Maher, Bill O’Reilly, Kelly Ripa, Sean Hannity and Whoppi Goldberg are already there. Happy New Year everyone.
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1 comment:
All very interesting predictions, Jim. But what of the political bowl of soup called Hyde Park? Election season will be on us before long and Billy Conn is probably planning his next public appearance as we speak.
Any chance for the police moving out of Dogpatch? Will we be graced by a "Frankenpine" cell tower at the East Park intersection? Will McArthur, who had once said "I shall return" really do that?
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