New Candidate Questionnaire

I don’t know about you but I’m getting sick and tired of being blindsided by all these scandal plagued politicians. Just as I was digesting the Eliot Spitzer disaster, along comes the revelation from our new Governor that he and the wife apparently had more partners than a Wall Street law firm during a “separation.” Every day seems to bring another tawdry revelation about one of our elected officials.
So as a public service, I’ve put together a questionnaire for candidates and elected officials, designed to identify the crooks, weirdos and other assorted characters who strive to represent us. Let’s begin with a few personal questions and move on.
-Do you know how many times you’ve been married and to whom? Are there any mystery kids out there and do you remember the mother’s/father’s name?
-Have you or your spouse ever had an overnight with the former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey and his ex-wife? How about their driver? Are you hoping to attend Gov. Mc Greevey’s ordination as an Episcopal minister?
-Have you ever dated either Gov. David Paterson or his wife Michelle? Please note if you’ve dated both of them.
-Did you save The New York Post edition with the steamy photos of Eliot Spitzer’s hooker pal?
-Do you think Idaho Senator Larry Craig got railroaded in that airport bathroom? Do you find Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski attractive?
-Can you name the three branches of government and the three stooges in less than an hour? (Special consideration if you can name the fourth one)
-Did Daddy’s money grease your way through school and are you paying someone to take this quiz right now? Is your heart breaking for Eliot Spitzer’s father?
-Are you having any difficulty reading this and can you remember the name of the kid who actually took the SAT’s for you?
-Are you convinced your last DUI was a vicious sting orchestrated by your political opponents in an attempt to get you off message?
-Do you consider buying a house in the Caribbean with campaign contributions “doing the people’s business?” Also, was Rep. William Jefferson of New Orleans wrong to use National Guard troops to help him retrieve stolen cash from his house during Hurricane Katrina and would you be comfortable making the case he’s the victim of racist prosecution?
-Do you naturally assume your constituents would be stealing with both hands if they had your job? Is former Newark Mayor Sharpe James a personal hero of yours?
-Would you be willing to sponsor legislation making it illegal for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to receive any more botox injections? How about a bill to get Jennifer Grey’s original nose back?
-Do you classify adultery with someone in your district as a “constituent service?” Are you still mad at Linda Tripp for nailing Bill Clinton?
-Do you consider a bald faced lie a misstatement, misunderstanding, or staff error? Do you prefer having surrogates do your dirty work or do you like to stick the knife in yourself?
-At what point do your petty cash withdrawals become grand larceny? Do you have a problem flying first class or using a lobbyist’s airplane?
-Would you normally order an $800 bottle of wine if you were actually paying the tab?
-How many times had you gone to the Super Bowl before getting elected?
………The fourth Stooge was Shemp.